My name is Jordan. I am 20. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Fandoms: Kingdom Hearts | Supernatural | Doctor Who | Sherlock | Disney | Star Trek | Star Wars | Harry Potter | The Wheel of Time series | Reign of Fire | My Little Pony | Dreamworks |
I’m going to say what I’ve needed to say for a while. It’s been coming, but I didn’t want to say it because it could be an “awkward topic”. Well screw that. I will not excuse myself for this. Brace yourselves.
Pornography will make your life a living hell. It will bring you to your knees whether you know it consciously or not. It can and will make any relationship you have with a female family member or close friend fifteen times more difficult when you’re so busy thinking of them as the next thing to masturbate to instead of the living being that they are. I told you I wasn’t going to hold back any punches, well here they are.
I am still fighting it. It’s been a constant struggle for 7 years. And I’m just now breaking free. It has been without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
WHAT IT DID TO ME: It was slow at first. But after a while I felt a creeping thought come to mind. “What if she wasn’t wearing that,” or “I wonder what would happen if she slipped and something showed”.
Thoughts would creep in. I continued to treat them as I thought I did before, but it showed on my countenance when I looked at it and when I didn’t. The Bishop saw it. Danny saw it when I went in to dance. I had trouble lifting because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it! I won’t pretend I didn’t. But this stupid thought from Satan was always in my head. ‘You can quit whenever you want. This will be the last time. You don’t have to go the whole way. Just take a peek, Jordan. You can quit whenever you want.’
Now I have an entirely different viewset and I know what his battle tactics are. Life is a battle in a far more literal sense than you think. Satan’s had what, 6k years of experience on subtle manipulation of the human mind? And you think you got what it takes on your own, without God on your side?
Think again. Grow up. Because that’s not how it works. If you think pornography hasn’t harmed someone’s life, you are either utterly stupid or helplessly ignorant. It will rip your soul up. I was so sick of the feeling of losing the fight that I considered suicide multiple times. ‘Why not just end it now? I’m just a horrible example of what a Son of God is.’
I was numb. Completely numb. I would listen to rock music simply to feel the vibes it gave. Because nothing else gave me anything except spiritual music, but I listened to that so rarely I must not have considered it an option.
I know why now.
I was numb to the point where I couldn’t feel the spirit. I could barely feel it when I was at something hugely spiritual, like EFY or when I was at Seminary. I felt NOTHING when I was around people that said they felt the spirit. I played along because I thought I was and just didn’t recognize it. I played along because I didn’t want to wonder why I was having so much difficulty feeling anything. I didn’t want to know, because I think I was scared of feeling again. I’d been numb for so long that it didn’t matter to me anymore if I could feel or not.
It crept into my writing. For a while I thought it was just a part of me. And there came all of the things I hate to admit. It got into my writing in small ways. If a female character rested or fell asleep, the male character would sit there and watch them breathe. News flash, that never happens. A side affect of when I hadn’t indulged for a while was a temper. I do have a natural temper, but it got so much worse after I gave in. If I ever said anything harsh to you while I was angry, I truly am sorry. But I would honestly prefer having a problem with swearing than with pornography.
I would rather have a problem with swearing than pornography, but I would RATHER HAVE NEITHER.
I hate it when I swear. But that’s a part of me that’s still very much numb. When I hear a swear word in a song, it tinges a little, but that’s it. That’s IT. I shrug it off and it goes away when I know I shouldn’t.
Back to lifting: When I would dance with a girl, and I didn’t lift, I was in a perfect position to look at them inappropriately. I hate that part of me.
HOW I’M BREAKING IT:
Find a ‘passion project’, something you can pour your soul, time and energy into. For me, it’s most definitely writing.
Find a motivator. For me, it’s dance. Because I know every guy in there has my back and every girl deserves the utmost respect, and I shamefully admit that I did not give them the respect they absolutely deserve. I do now because they are my sisters. I realized that 5 days ago, at one of the most spiritual Dance classes I’ve ever been to. I realized why I fight now.
So that when I dance, I don’t look at my dance partner and feel a huge, painful stab of guilt. I fight because I don’t want to be numb anymore. I fight because I want to go to the Temple with my friends before I leave for my mission. I fight because I love them more than I want the addiction. I fight because I know it’s for more than me. My actions are a hideous example to my brother, my sisters and my friends.
It’s my family, too. Because they deserve to be fought for.
Reading the scriptures is a literal shield around you. You can’t see it; it’s beyond the veil over our eyes that was placed when we were born. The scriptures are the word of God. Of course they’re going to protect you more against Satan’s power than other things you might read.
My soul had a hole. Like a spike driven into me. But going to Son’s of Helaman is dragging it out. It hurts, of course it does. Withdrawals have woken me up at 5-6 every morning. Withdrawals kept me up for almost 2 nights in a row. I have random headaches and sometimes I can’t focus very well.
You don’t mess with porn. It is only as strong as you make it. But it will suck you up and beat you down to depression if you let it. It won’t let go without a hell of fight either. You’ve got to fight back and get away from it. And personify it. Mr. M and Mr. P. They want to party with you, dear person. Just for a little while.
Disgusting. You struggle with it? Think about saying it out loud. “Hey, I wanna go have a party with myself in the bathroom you wanna come?” Highly effective because then you realize how much of a dumbass you sound like.
“Damn, I wanna go look at some porno!” To your elderly grandma-like neighbor. See how fast she beats you with her cane. Try saying it to your mom and see how fast you get grounded.
Better yet, try saying it to your beautiful, Temple-worthy date. See her reaction and watch all thoughts of stupidity vanish except swearing at yourself for doing it.
It works. I’ve never had to say it to a friend, but by golly, it works like a charm. I’ll think about saying it on chat and it’ll instantly disappear. And I’ll tell you right now, one way of Satan is to have you ‘ignore it and hope it goes away’.
It won’t. You have to beat it back like a rabid dog. Use whatever analogy you want, just get it out of your head SOMEHOW. Listen to music, read a talk by a church member, talk to a friend, but get it out of your head.
I’ve said what I’ve needed to.
I will not excuse myself.